Nevermind Theo

Nevermind Theo

Yay! Another week, another penis! In this case, though, it's not an ancient classic so much as a modern classic. I don't like Nirvana much, but I realise that not considering Nevermind to be a classic of the 20th century is kind of like not considering your metaphors with enough thought.

Nevermind is one of those cases where iconic album meets, through sheer coincidence I suppose, iconic cover art. The baby, the swimming, the dollar bill, the pool, the fishhook. The don't-comment-on-the-kid's-penis-you-pedo-you. So here is Theo, looking back on when he was a little nappy-headed boy, swimming for cash. As Malclolm Jamal Warner might well presently be doing.

The Vitruvian Theo

The Vitruvian Theo

I had originally merely called this "Theo da Vinci" (potentially problematic nomenclature should I ever want to make a Theo based on Vincent Van Gogh and avoid fundamentalist-Muslim wrath), but I decided to go ahead and actually check out (via Wikipedia) the actual name of the picture in order to, I suppose, seem educated. Which I've just shot to hell by fessing up. Anyway, 'vitruvian' is a fancy word, whatever it means. And this is a fancy picture, leading generations of schoolchildren to titter "you can see his pee-nis!". This is, of course, da Vinci's primary contribution to education worldwide.

Penis or no, I think Theo fits wonderfully well into this iconic photo (quality too small to appreciate, perhaps). His head is, of course, way out of proportion and his neck is, well, absent. But still, he looks happy with his four arms, four legs and dangling genitalia.

And who wouldn't be?

Theo the Bubble Boy

Theo the Bubble Boy

There's not much very impressive going on in this picture... it's just a simple distortion on his face, giving him a huge nose. A variation on the Woll Smoth, I suppose. I call him the 'bubble boy' because it makes his face look like a bubble, I suppose.

Well, in any case, there he is, back where he belongs, in high school in front of the set of lockers.

And with impressive peripheral vision.

Theo the Flag-Waver

Theo the Flag-Waver

Well, looked for something Remembrance Day-ish, and all I could get was this. Jingoism of a different country. But I think 11 November is commemorated in the States as "Veterans' Day", so it'll do. Jingoism is so freakishly foreign to me that I'm actually fascinated when I see it. This one reminds me of American election posters, where each candidate tries to out-American the other. Theo's pensive expression now looks like rapt pride (well, work with me here) in front of the waving red, white and blue.

Theo McDonald

Theo McDonald

A week late for Hallowe'en, the single creepiest thing in the world: Ronald McDonald. Clearly in an attempt not to be out-creeped by its main competitor, Burger King relatively recently launched the highly creepy king mascot it has now. But frightwig-and-greasepaint Ronald has him beat both in longevity and in creepiness. Coulrophobia is by now so endemic that I have no idea why anyone uses clowns as mascots. Can't sleep... clown will McEat me...

Theo Astley

Theo Astley

In the spirit of the great Rick Rolls... this is a few seconds of Rick Astley's "Never Gonna Give You Up" video with our Theo bobbing on top (a bit too high, I admit - suggestive of a really long neck, but a necessity because of Rick's really big hair in the original)... I have to admit that this is not my idea; it was a friend who suggested the juxtaposition. For use in later videos (and indeed still pictures), that same friend painstakingly digitised a chin for Theo, which definitely opened the door to more creative endeavours, and avoided the issue of the 'ghostly third hand' seen here. But here, it's a decently creepy thing indeed (and here we are at Hallowe'en), and I think gives it a certain charm.

A Huge Evergrowing Pulsating Theo

A Huge Evergrowing Pulsating Theo

My first experiment with using Adobe Flash to create a 'moving Theo', this one isn't really parodying anything at all, actually. It's just an endless succession of Theos being born in the right eye of other Theos, which sounds very Greek-Mythology to me.